Previously on Nip / Tuck...
Oh, God.
I'm not here because you're perfect.
I'm here because you're you.
I think we should get married.
- How do you know that girl? - She's Olivia's daughter.
What's your real fear, Sean?
That I'll corrupt Annie?
Or that I'll corrupt you?
I've left Kimber, Dad. And I've taken the baby.
Did you get it?
$300 worth courtesy of my two dads.
Olivia said the only way I'd get you out of my system
was to sleep with you.
I guess she was right.
This LA traffic, I'll tell you.
I'm sorry I'm late, Mr. Darling.
Call me Chaz.
And you have nothing to apologize for, Doctor.
You did not tell me he was bringing sexy back that hard.
Eden, this is a surprise.
Oh, well, I know it's Chaz's consult,
but I had to come support my BGF.
- Best Gay Friend. - Yeah, well, every girl needs one.
Of course, I started out as her stylist
and fashion consultant, so...
Does Sean know you're here?
Oh, I thought we could keep this our little secret.
Show McDreamy why we came today.
The left one was normal until I was, like, 15.
Then, I don't know. It just, like, got all Britney on me.
Hormones during puberty can affect nipple growth,
cause them to enlarge.
It's not uncommon.
In my world, it is. I mean, I won't go to the beach
or sit by the pool, or wear button-downs.
Not even if they're Marc Jacobs.
That's where you come in.
I'd be happy to help.
Dr. Hickey is an excellent plastic surgeon down in Santa Monica.
Good luck.
I show you my shame and you're kicking me out?
Go get me a Perrier. I'll handle this, okay?
You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch.
I know all about you and just because my partner is a pushover
when it comes to cockteasers like yourself doesn't mean that I am.
So, take your spoiled little rich girl attitude and your best gay freak
and go to somebody who cares.
You don't even know me
and you'll kick me out just based on what Sean says?
You two must be good friends to show that kind of loyalty.
No wonder he'd be devastated to find out you slept with Julia.
I know about your little tryst with Julia, Dr. Troy.
This thing about living with dykes,
they're always sharing their emotions
where us spoiled little rich kids can overhear.
Personally, I'm disappointed.
See, I thought all it would take was some good dick
to pull her back to the hetero side
but I guess you fell short in that regard.
You don't wanna play this game with me.
I don't play by the same rules as Sean. You're gonna get yourself hurt.
Like a spanking?
Look, we both want the same thing, right?
To help our friends.
All you have to do is one little surgery, free of charge.
Say, tomorrow morning?
Otherwise I will tell Sean everything
and then we'll see what kind of pushover he really is.
Hey, you said we cooked it all.
We did.
Just trying to visualize our next score.
It's The Secret.
It's this book, I read it. I read it, like, three times when you were out.
It's... The universe works through laws of attraction.
When you put it out to the world, something you want,
instead of focusing on what you don't then it comes to you.
It's like a magnet.
Do you wanna try it?
I told you. It works, it worked.
Did you feel the universe calling you like a magnet just now?
Yeah, she means did you bring the meth?
- Money first, remember? - Right.
We don't have it.
It sucks for you.
Wait, no! No, no, no. Wait a second.
Maybe you and I could work out some kind of payment plan.
The world is impotently abundant
and maybe you could just visualize something
that you want.
Yeah, I know what I want.
I want some of that back-door action like I seen in your movies.
Give me that, I give you the whole rock.
Ass for cash.
Well, do you want
straight sex or do you want anal?
Here's your back door, asshole.
You are not screwing him for money!
- Jesus, baby. - I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Honey, you are worth so much more than that.
I'm sorry, I know.
I think I know where we can get some real cash.
Do you realize what this is doing to us?
You've put Julia and I in a very uncomfortable position.
Maybe you're just using the wrong dildo, Mom.
Besides, you're the one that taught me to use my brain to get what I want.
Blackmail is not using your brain, Eden.
It is a criminal act.
- You say tomato... - You're going to apologize to Christian
and then you're gonna promise me you're never gonna make a threat like that again.
I'm 18. I make my own decisions.
There's nothing you can do about that.
I don't know what else I can do.
I mean, the more I interfere, the worse she seems to behave.
You know, maybe we should just tell Sean ourselves.
You know, he's getting remarried.
Doesn't care about me anymore.
This isn't about you, Julia, this is about me and Sean.
Our friendship barely survived the last time he found out.
He'll never forgive me now.
If you tell Sean, I'll never forgive you.
Fine, I won't say a word.
If you dump the Witch of Eastwick.
Is that what this is about?
It's either you or Julia?
She's not even gay, Mom.
How can you stand to be with someone who's living a lie?
Nice try, guys. Didn't work.
Come on, all this estrogen, you can't control one little teenager?
I just don't know where I went wrong with her.
Where all this venom came from.
Sean's the innocent in all this.
- What's she look like? - What?
The woman you were fantasizing about,
because you definitely weren't with me just then.
Of course, I was.
Yeah, if you're gonna fantasize about somebody else
at least have the balls to admit it. I'm not stupid.
Kate, what?
- I'm sorry, you are amazing. - Yeah.
I just had this
image in my head.
My wife and I were married almost 20 years.
The last 10 years?
- The sex was... - You know what?
I'm not Julia, okay?
I'm not interested in having mutual masturbation sessions
for the rest of our lives.
You know what dooms relationships?
It is not money, it is not sex, it is secrets.
And you of all people should know that.
Look, if I'm gonna marry you,
I wanna know everything that turns you on.
It's that honesty that's gonna keep us together, it's not gonna pull us apart.
Well,
I was thinking about a schoolgirl.
She's wearing this little uniform, no panties.
And she's such a bad little whore she needs a spanking.
- That too much? - No! No, no. No, no, it's...
- No? You said... - No, it's good.
I know, I know, it's good.
I feel closer, don't you?
- Yeah. Definitely. - I do. Okay.
You know, I got, like, a 3:00 a. m. Call so...
I'm gonna... I'm gonna go to sleep.
- Oh, yeah, me, too. - You know?
So...
Hi, Daddy.
What are you doing here?
Just haunting your friend, my doctor.
What the hell is wrong with you?
You know how I feel about her and you still went behind my back?
I'm assuming you're talking about Eden.
Who the hell else would I be talking about?
And don't tell me you slept with her
because that would end this partnership right here, right now.
What exactly did she tell you?
That you agreed to fix her friend for free?
Chaz is a stylist to the stars, okay?
He's got a huge client list
and he's gonna send referrals our way, all right?
Look, you got this great gig with the TV show.
I'm just trying to do the most with my opportunities, okay?
Is that why you're really angry?
I mean, you're acting like a jealous boyfriend right now.
If I'm surfing your turf, baby...
Don't be ridiculous.
And don't ever lie to me like that again.
"Best Girl-on-Girl, 2005.
'"Lady and the Tramps. '" Weren't you up for that one?
Oh, God, those were the days.
Somebody in this room call for a plumber?
Why yes, I did.
Are you here to fix my pipes?
Oh, I don't know. I might have to just probe around a little bit first, miss.
See what I can find.
Well,
probe away.
With pleasure.
- Remember that shoot? Oh, my God. - Yes, I remember that shoot.
Plumbers and Dykes. Still our number-one seller of all times.
- Is it really? - Yes, it is. Hand to God.
Doesn't surprise me.
Ram, this is my husband, Matt.
Yeah, hi, and her manager.
- Hey, nice to meet you. - Yeah, nice to meet you, too.
Here, why don't you sit down? Come on, take a load off.
- Who's that? - This is Jenna.
Jenna?
I was really happy when you called me, Kimmy.
So how you been? Where you been?
What's been going on?
Excuse me. What is the matter with her?
Why is she doing this?
I don't know. I think she might need a new diaper.
Well, I don't have a diaper.
- Yeah, well, we don't have any. - Hey.
Let me help.
Hey, baby!
Come on in here. I got a live one for you.
- My wife runs the day care center. - You have a day care center here?
We're very, very family-friendly these days.
Busty, this is my old friend, Kimmy, and her husband, Matt.
Oh, my God.
Kimber Henry!
Wow.
You're, like, an idol of mine.
I think the little girl needs a diaper change.
You mind seeing if you could handle that while we talk shop?
Oh, sweetie.
So, where were we, huh?
How would you like to double your sales this quarter?
I want back in the business.
You know, just a few choice titles, nothing too raunchy.
You know, provided there's an advance involved.
That's a very... That's a very tempting offer, really.
It really is,
but I don't think you're ready.
Are you kidding?
Ram, I could saddle up this afternoon.
You need to kick the meth, hon.
I can see the signs, the weight loss, the bad skin.
All that stuff shows up on camera.
It's very, very bad for my company's image.
Matt, last time I saw this young lady she was on top of the world.
What the hell happened to her?
I got mixed up in a church, Ram.
And they took all of our money
and I'm not proud of it.
You know I've always been that kind of person
who is on a search for something
that makes me feel special and complete.
The church didn't make those feelings go away.
And then I got pregnant and I got so fat.
So a friend of mine said,
"Kimber, do meth for a couple weeks.
"I lost 20 pounds. " So I did.
And I lost the weight,
but when it was time to quit,
I didn't want to.
I'd finally found something to take the pain away.
Look, man,
we just really need a break right now, okay?
I mean, can you help a friend out?
Kimmy, I tell you what.
What do you say we give your hubby there a shot?
I saw the pregnancy video you guys did online. It was very, very good.
You got talent, and besides,
you're packing a fire hose down there and that's marketable.
Matt making adult films makes absolutely no sense, Ram.
You know that. There's no money in it for men,
only women make money.
Hey, time out.
You are talking about straight porn.
First Time Fairies is a very, very hot title for us.
We just lost one of our leads, got sidelined with syphilis.
You'd be on the bottom, and that twink-chic look
works very, very well for this genre.
Shoots tomorrow, pays five grand.
You interested?
Mr. Forrest, tell us what you don't like about yourself.
Oh, I really don't do the self-hate thing.
You know, my calf's too small, my nose too big, no.
It's not my nature.
I have legitimate medical issues. That's why I'm here.
Probably better if I just show you, right?
- Wow. - What did that?
A tiger?
Well, Mrs. Decker's certainly a wild animal in the sack.
I'm guessing Mr. Decker doesn't know
what Mrs. Decker's been doing with her fingernails lately.
Oh, Chuck was there when it happened.
He watched the whole thing.
Swingers party.
And I have a party coming up next week.
I was hoping I'd be mostly back to form by then.
So this is a weekly thing, then?
About two, three times a month, yeah.
I'm sort of like the host.
How long have you and your wife been involved with the lifestyle?
No! No, no, I'm not married.
Well, from my experience, swingers clubs are couples only.
Well, ours is a little different.
We mix.
Couples, singles.
Mostly white middle-aged moms and their husbands
with other young, successful black men like myself.
So these couples come just so you and your friends can...
Be exploited?
Balding white males paying young black studs to bang their wives.
Doesn't that sound like exploitation to you?
Nobody said anything about getting paid.
I mean, we all pay dues to belong to the club.
White and black.
I don't get it.
You're young, successful, you can have any woman you want.
I'm a lawyer.
Most women I meet in this town, all they see is a wallet.
When you try to have sex with them...
You get a hold of those
40-year-old soccer moms, though...
Wow.
Still got the baby weight on them from having three kids.
Best part is, when it's all over,
she and her husband can't thank you enough.
Now think about it.
You love your lady, you wanna see her happy,
and I just gave her five orgasms.
Doesn't everybody win?
Oh, man.
Yeah, she must be going through a growth spurt. She's getting so...
Whoa, what are you doing?
Hey, I found loose change. Will you help me?
When I walk, I can feel it.
There's like three or four quarters right under here.
It's, like, right here. Help me.
Yeah, I'm gonna feed Jenna first.
Where's the baby formula, Kimber?
Did I not ask you to go to the store?
What did you do with the cash that I gave you?
Hey, there it is. No, let me see your eyes.
Oh, great, you smoked it.
You smoked it.
I'm sorry.
I needed a little bit to get me through.
I'd have saved it for you but the shit burns fast.
Damn it, Matt, don't make me feel bad, just help me.
Help me pull up the carpet. There's money under here.
Please.
Come on.
Why are you sitting there? Help me.
There's money here.
Fuck. God!
Hadn't offered me that money, I wouldn't have gotten here.
But you couldn't. Stupid, stupid Jenna just...
Hey, where you going?
Ram said they have a day care. They can watch Jenna while I work.
Kate?
Kate's not here, Mr. McNamara.
Oh, look, I'm the only girl in detention today.
I...
I see...
You must have been a very bad girl to have to stay after school.
Oh, I was, Mr. McNamara.
I was very bad.
And what is it you did?
I forgot to wear panties.
Are you gonna spank me now?
You've got a really great ass.
It's too bad I can't see more of it when we're having sex,
but I guess that'd be mechanically impossible, huh?
Oh, I don't know.
A few more twists on those positions we did earlier,
it might be possible.
Thank you.
God, that was the most fun I've had in years.
A little surprised though.
I thought hearing that fantasy the other day turned you off.
Well, I was a little intimidated,
but then I thought, "Kate, you brought it up.
"So put your money where your mouth is. " Right?
I mean, it's not like you wanted to have sex with
an albino amputee or anything, right?
Well, what if I did want to have sex with an albino amputee?
Then what would you do?
Whatever I could to make you happy.
Because I love you.
Wanna hear something really wild?
This guy came into the office.
Very good-looking guy, 30s, African-American.
He needed to get these scratches on his back fixed.
Turns out he throws interracial parties.
Now, this is where white couples go
so the wives can have sex with young black men
while the husbands watch.
Wow.
- Right? Insane, right? - Yeah.
I mean, can you imagine anybody wanting to do that?
You can?
Well, I don't know, watching you watch me get off?
That's kind of hot, don't you think?
- Yeah. - Wait, wait. Hey, Sean.
I thought we were gonna be honest with each other
about this kind of stuff, right?
Yeah.
Well, I mean, I can't help it if my fantasy happens to have
a handsome black guy in it.
Makes me hot. What can I say?
These burgers are so good.
Yeah.
Really amazing.
Okay, your eyes closed?
Yes, and the suspense is killing me.
Okay, imagine you're the doorman at Teddy's.
And this walks up.
I hope you didn't valet already.
What size is that again?
It's a zero. You picked it out.
Yeah, see, the new size to be seen in is a negative two.
You're busting out at the seams, sweetie.
Sorry, am I interrupting Extreme Makeover: Whore Edition?
Okay, let's see what you got.
Sutures look good, no sign of infection.
I think we're all good.
Okay, so, we made a deal.
You can leave now.
You're right, we made a deal.
You do one surgery and I keep my mouth shut.
But that's not the surgery I had in mind.
Lunchtime lipo's a fairly easy procedure. I need a little done around the waist.
It's the only way, sweetie.
You're joking, right?
Yeah. Wanna see the punchline?
Truth be told, when I overheard the skank
tell my mom about your little one night stand,
wasn't so much me eavesdropping
as it was checking the tape
in the camera I hid in their bedroom.
What is this?
A download I know you're just dying to see.
Yes. Oh, yes.
Whole video's about 20 minutes long, but I think I'll only post the last five.
It's the part where Mom gets Julia to come.
Here it is, watch.
Well? Better than Christian?
Oh, much better, honey.
The new deal is lipo,
or this gets posted on the web where Sean can see it,
Annie can see it and your pasty little Julia can...
You stupid little shit.
I bruise easy, Doctor.
So take a deep breath and think about what your options here really are.
A local anesthetic in your back will numb the pain,
but if you feel discomfort,
Liz can always give you a bullet to bite down on.
Or use my mallet and knock you unconscious.
Whatever floats your boat.
Fingernail tip.
Still has some polish on it.
We have to pass a new rule for the club. No press-on nails at parties.
Too dangerous.
You might want to get a blood panel, too.
I've already done that.
Every member of the club has to submit an STD test.
- You make it sound so... - Insane?
- Sorry about that. - No, it's okay.
I'm not ashamed of it.
How did you get involved with this world to begin with?
If I can ask.
Well, I was at a bar.
Got picked up by this hot older woman
and we get to her house, she introduces me to her husband.
Little weird at first, but we go there.
Then one day she asked me if I had any friends who'd be interested
and things took off from there.
The other couples that...
Yeah?
The other couples who show up now,
say someone didn't wanna actually have relations with someone...
You mean, if they could just watch?
Like out of curiosity, yeah.
We get that all the time.
All newcomers just wanna check out the scene before they commit anyhow.
Mostly, they're looking to recharge their sex life.
Recharge, huh?
How long have you been with your woman?
How's the pain level, Mr. Forrest?
Fine, thanks.
The pain level's great.
We're good, Liz.
Hey, Matt, everything come out all right?
Yeah, I guess.
I've never done one of those enema things before.
They're a pain in the ass, but you get used to them.
Here, let me show you the set.
Get a chance to look at the script? You know the setup, right?
Yeah, my name's Ricky boy.
I'm here for stealing a car.
And there's a strip search involved.
Jonny!
Want you to meet your costar. Great guy, very professional.
Hey, I'm Matt.
Nice to meet you.
I gotta break this guy or what?
I'm a little worried about this.
Matt.
Hey, now, what are you doing here?
I told you, Jenna's with Busty. She's fine.
Ram, I need a minute with him.
Yeah, hang on. Look, you got 10 minutes.
I booked a foot fetish shoot on this stage from 3:00 to 6:00.
- All right? Ten minutes. - Okay.
Boys, remember, we gotta swap these sets up soon as little Matty's done.
Get dressed now.
I am not letting you do this.
Oh, so it's okay for you but not for me.
I was a queen in this business.
I made seven figures a year.
What're you making? Five grand to be a sloppy bottom?
There's nothing worse than that.
No, I'll tell you what's worse, no money and a rent that is way past due.
What other choice do we have at this point?
I called the church.
Now, they have offered to take care of us again.
And if we agree to a purification rundown
and go to NarcAnon,
they're willing to reinstate us.
Now, I told them we'd swing by first thing in the morning.
I just want to be a good father and a good husband, Kimber, that's all.
But you are, you are.
Come here.
God.
Come on, can we get out of here?
- Yeah. - This place is disgusting.
You need to peel this like prosciutto,
take an inch off each side,
and then, then you'll be runway ready.
What do you think about my boobs?
I was thinking about going up a cup size,
like, you know, just to make myself better like all the other girls.
Fake tits are so '97.
All guys want are abs and hips.
A sense of humor and good family genes don't hurt either.
But I can't help you there.
I need a moment with my patient, Hubcap Nip.
Shouldn't you be in scrubs?
We have to get this done before Sean gets here.
We'll be done long before that.
- What's this? - Phentermine. Heard of it?
A prescription diet pill?
Any tweenie with an Internet connection and their mother's credit card
can get a month's supply from Canada.
Not this kind. It's compounded with Zonegran.
Much more effective and completely unavailable
without a doctor's prescription.
It'll make you lose weight faster, feel better,
and it's got a hip factor of 10.
You trying to buy me off, Doctor?
No, this is trying to buy you off.
Xanax for the anxiety that you clearly have
and Percocet to bring you down after a good night's clubbing.
All right?
Each with one free refill.
You don't need lipo, all right?
The ounces you wanna lose?
These pills are gonna do the job. Okay?
And quite frankly, Sean is getting a little suspicious,
so we're gonna have to compromise.
Two free refills.
And I never see you around this office again?
My own Dr. Feelgood.
I like it.
You sure you wanna do this?
We're only here to watch anyway, right?
Yeah.
Okay, you really think no one's gonna recognize me from the show?
'Cause I'll put this on.
I was told there's a code of silence at these things.
- Yeah. - I think it's okay.
Okay.
Let's do this.
Hey, you know what? We should have a safe word.
A what?
You know, a word in case one of us gets uncomfortable
and wants to go, we'll say something like, "Big Wheel. "
It's a word that a dominatrix would use with her clients so that nobody gets hurt.
- How do you know that? - So is "Big Wheel" okay with you?
- Is that okay? - Sure.
Okay.
I'm really excited. Aren't you?
- Oh, definitely. - Okay.
- Let's... - Yeah.
Okay.
Dr. McNamara.
I'm glad you came.
It's the lovely fiancée.
Hi, I'm Kate. Nice to meet you.
Well, come on in. We're just getting started.
Don't be shy.
No one else here is.
Oh, the house rules.
First, no cell phones and no cameras of any kind.
This is a private club, we'd like to keep it that way.
Second, women make the invitations and women can say "no" at any time.
Third, clean up after yourself. I'm the host, not the maid.
Finally, most important.
Have fun.
Wanna explore?
- I'm gonna get us some drinks first. - Okay.
Ow!
Like that?
She yours?
No.
Mine's...
Thank you.
Come on, Lois.
Show him what you're working with.
Let's go find a safer place to stay.
Hey, you guys mind if we use the bed?
Everywhere else is full.
No, no. Go ahead, go ahead.
Thank you.
Come on, big boy.
You guys are welcome to stay if you like.
This is what we came to see, right?
Hey, you wanna go next? She'll be done in a minute.
Big Wheel.
Yeah, baby. Go for it.
That's good.
Big Wheel.
I think I'm gonna...
Big Wheel!
You hesitated.
He asked you if you wanted to go next and you hesitated.
That's why you wouldn't say anything the whole way home?
You're really reading into this.
You didn't think what was going on in there was sick?
No, consenting adults having fun?
No.
- What is wrong with you? - Okay, I see.
So, wanting to have sex with a schoolgirl is normal to you?
All you had to do was put on a dress.
Yes, but it was still your fantasy, Sean, and I followed through.
- No judgment. - I never should have told you.
You certainly liked the result.
And don't criticize me for having my fantasy, Sean.
We said, "No more secrets. " Do you remember that?
No, you said that.
I think it's better to keep some things to ourselves.
Why?
Is there something else you're keeping from me?
Go on. Say it, really. Really, what do you have to lose?
You already think I'm a whore now.
- All right, you want the whole truth? - Yeah.
I only liked the idea of going there
because I hoped it might spice up our sex life.
I never thought you were very good in bed.
That's because I never got over you shitting in the hot tub.
I still think about it!
That's why I have to fantasize every time we have sex!
- I think your ass is flat. - I think you're gonna get fat again.
I think your ex-wife became a lesbian
because you made her feel so horrible that she hates men now.
I only asked you to marry me because I was scared,
not because I really loved you.
- I'm sorry... - Don't, don't. Don't touch me.
Kate.
Say "surprise" to Daddy.
You did all this while I was gone?
We both did.
I wanted a clean start.
Go look at the kitchen.
I found a hundred dollars under the carpet
and then I went into the garbage and I pulled out some bottles and voilà!
Baby formula.
You know how amazing you are?
But it's like I told you.
If you visualize what you want,
the universe will supply it.
Where'd you go?
I just had the most amazing vision
of what it's gonna be like when we got clean tomorrow.
- Did I look like a movie star? - Yes.
Good.
I'm so glad you didn't do that degrading movie.
Oh, me, too, babe.
So, how did you get this from Rob
if we didn't have any money left to pay for it?
I told him he could crash here.
He got kicked out of his apartment again.
Oh.
I need to check on him.
Yes, and I'm totally in for Saturday night.
I got us a VIP booth.
Okay. See you then.
Mom, are you okay?
What's going on?
You and Julia finally broke up. Thank you, God.
They're your clothes, Eden.
What's going on here?
I saw the signs. I just didn't wanna believe.
What? What are you talking about?
We found these in your bedroom.
You were snooping in my stuff?
After Christian called and said you came by the office
- and stole them earlier that day... - Stole them?
- What? No, he gave them to me... - Stop pretending.
You're a drug addict. Now, drugs make you lie and hurt people.
You need professional help.
You're good, I'll give you that.
So, you're kicking me to the curb, Mom?
Eden, I'm Mrs. Feeney.
I'm from The Shelter drug rehabilitation center.
Rehab?
There's been a bed reserved for you. You'll be there for six weeks.
And if you don't stay the entire time, Christian will press charges.
And I support him.
If you don't cooperate, you'll go to jail.
We just want to get you better.
You son of a bitch, you can't do this to me.
You think you're gonna get away with this?
This is classic addict behavior,
denial, rage, unwilling to take responsibility.
I hope you all enjoy the next six weeks.
Because when I come back, Sean is going to know everything.
That's a promise.
Hey, we did the right thing.
What are you doing here?
I came to tell you I won't be needing you as my best man anymore.
At least not in the foreseeable future.
Something happen with Kate?
Yeah.
You were married 20 years.
Maybe you just don't know how to be alone anymore.
It's more than that.
I think I never got over Julia.
I'm still in love with her.
Really?
I think I'll get me one of those.
English - SDH